10. I feel It On Me: Grief & Loss

In this program, we speak of resilience a lot. We promote it, use it in our practices with clients and create entire networks off of the idea of it. Off of the idea that most people have the ability to adapt in the face of adversity. This is why resilience has become one of my greatest takeaways from this program, because I don’t know if I ever considered myself resilient. I don’t know if I ever realized that I was able to “bounce back” or “identify my strengths and protective factors”. What I do know is that the days kept coming, so I just had to learn to keep going.

I don’t remember or try to remember much from the day my mom passed. Actually, when it comes into my mind I find myself numb. Almost detached. There’s a place that I’m still not able to name that exists. My mind goes there. In this place, everything that I feel or am supposed to feel, I’ve forgotten how. I’ve taught myself to forget how. I’ve trained myself to go there without going there. I just said a bunch of things, but if I can be honest with myself, a part of me may not ever be ok. I think that’s what I’ve become used to. Recognizing that- there is a big longing in the middle of my chest. That’s just where it ends.

According to Schwartz and Galperin, we all have parts. The mind’s natural state is to have subpersonalities, each containing valuable talents and qualities. Some of our most “devastated parts” are exiles that experienced extreme trauma and attachment injuries. Clients usually dissociate from these parts to have a sense of control. These parts are often locked away and most clients fear them to the point of never wanting to “meet or experience them again”.

I know over time, I’ve allowed my protective parts to take over for my exiles. They are the manager and the firefighter. The manager often shows up in the room, ensuring that there are no triggers. The manager looks for any mention of “mothering”. A friend who brings up a phone conversation with her mother, a mother’s day ad in the grocery store, a sick father showing up in the background of a face time call with her sister. The manager knows to “remove, evacuate and withdraw”. I remember the manager had me wearing headphones in every store during the entire month of May to avoid any mention of a mother and if by chance, I missed one- the firefighter came and had me stop, drop and roll out. I have gone as far as to leave my cart in the middle of the aisle. I came back, but I left and that’s the point.

These days aren’t as difficult. I’m not sure if I’ve learned to disassociate more or disengage less. I just find myself- floating through the days. Some days I feel it all and others, I don’t feel it at all. I understand that most clients have a self that they don't even see. This self is resilient and capable. This self is independent, willing and healthy. Most of the time, the exiles and the parts of the self makes clients not be able to recognize or connect with that self anymore. So, honestly, they’re unable to see that they’re capable of iin most cases.

I think it’s important in my practice to do something that my field supervisor said to me awhile ago “make your clients realize that the snakes in the road that they’ve always feared, are actually sticks.”

References:

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol.1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.

Horowitz, M. (1997). Stress response syndromes. Hospital and community psychiatry, 27, 241-249

Schwartz, R.C. (1995). Internal family systems therapy. New York: Guilford Press.

Watkins, J.G., & Watkins H. (1988). The management of malevolent ego states in

multiple personality disorder. Dissociation, 1, 67-72